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taboo25 · Coupon Convert Joined: 19 Aug 2006 Posts: 677

Hey all! Looking for a little advice. I have been married to my hubby for 6 years, love him to death but he is sooo cheap! Granted, I am a bargainista of sorts and will never pay full price for anything. Anyway, he literally wants me to spend only $40 per month, period. This includes any and everything I might need, lunch, toiletries, a movie, etc. He also limits the amount of groceries we can get at any given time.

"We only have $75 for groceries" he always says. We have a family of four and he only lets me spend $$75 every 6 weeks or so!!! We make decent money and have a lot of money saved in our account, so we are in a good position.

Both of us work full time ( I make more, not that I feel that makes a difference, just that I should have equal decision making), I drop off and pick up our 4 year old and 6 month old, make dinner, etc. I feel that I am entitled to at least have $100/month to use however I see fit. I am tired of arguing about it and am wondering how I should approach him. He wants me to give him a proposal of sorts. HELP!!!

taboo25

JGoldinger · Posted: Mon Jan 04, 2010 3:48 pm Post subject:

Make a spreasheet based on a couple of past months needs, show him what you are spending it on, why it is a neccesity to you.

Tell him if there is any money extra he can deduct it from next months $100 allowance, or it can be put into savings for some thing later.

JMO!

helen1973 · Posted: Mon Jan 04, 2010 3:49 pm Post subject:

maybe you could call his bluff. if he really wants you to spend $75 per 6 weeks, that's $12.50/wk. So show him just how well he can eat on $12.50/wk.

Kristen M · Posted: Mon Jan 04, 2010 3:50 pm Post subject:

Wow. A few things come to mind. Sorry if I overstep my bounds, but are you guys completely overextended financially (thus the need to cut spending extremely in order to cover the bills), or is he a total control freak?

There's got to be a reason he's acting like this. How did his family handle finances when he was growing up?

I have no idea what advice to offer you, but I'm sure a million and 5 financial counselers would be quick to say that this is totally unrealistic for a family of 4. Even for a week alone, that would be difficult.

Dave Ramsey jokes a lot about eating only rice and beans to get things paid off and under control (like if you're behind in bills or something), but I don't think he'd recommend that as a regular diet for 2 and 4 year olds too. Definitely not a long-term plan. I would have to think that 2 people working full-time should be able to easily swing more than $40 PER MONTH.

I am frustrated for you. I'm sorry!

ETA: Come to think about it...maybe you should call Dave Ramsey. Hubbies tend to dismiss what their dear wives say at times, but might be more willing to take a financial guru's word on the issue. http://www.daveramsey.com/

taboo25 · Coupon Convert Joined: 19 Aug 2006 Posts: 677

@ helen1973: Herein lies the problem: He could probably eat Ramen noodles for the rest of his life and have no problems. He eats 2 meals a day max, one of which is usually a bowl of cereal and expects myself and our 4 year old to do the same.

taboo25 · Coupon Convert Joined: 19 Aug 2006 Posts: 677

@ Kristen M: Not at all!!! I guess I will just put it out there: We make over $100,000 per year and have well over $10,000 saved. He is a complete control freak, trust me. LOL!!!

His parents, wow. Basically his mom stayed at home while dad worked. She now says that if she had enough money to live on her own she would leave him (she says this quite openly mind you). His parents siutation is complicated to say the least, BUT he does say that they are in a lot of debt and he never wants to be like that? He is just really taking things to the extreme.

Kristen M · Posted: Mon Jan 04, 2010 4:03 pm Post subject:

I honestly think professional help is in order, although I can't imagine it would be easy to convince him of that. I don't see somebody like that thinking, "oh...you know what? Maybe you are right."

mom2shawn · Posted: Mon Jan 04, 2010 4:05 pm Post subject:

Just tell him your going to spend whatever you want on groceries as the kids need to eat. Tell him your not going to get your kids took away because of malnutriton (sp)!

Kristen M · Posted: Mon Jan 04, 2010 4:09 pm Post subject:

SHELSMITH · Posted: Mon Jan 04, 2010 4:14 pm Post subject:

My dh and I do not fight about money because his money is his and mine is mine. I pay childcare, buy groceries and other necessities and he buys all our gas and pays all the bills (he gives me $350 a week to pay the bills, If I need more I tell him if I have extra one week normally gives it to me to buy extra groceries or what have you. It works for us and has for many years. I only spend about $100-$150 a month on groceries (that does not count eating out which whoever has the money pays for) for a family of 4 I buy extra when it is on sale and we eat what is on sale week to week with the fillers from my stockpile.

steph124ny · Posted: Mon Jan 04, 2010 4:30 pm Post subject:

Make him go to the pediatrician with you and have the doctor discuss basic nutrition for your children. Let him be embarrassed and argue with the doctor.

That is ridiculous, and if he isn't going to compromise on having proper nutrition for your children, then I think you know exactly what you need to do, whether you love him to death or not! Holy moly! That is beyond a control freak!

taboo25 · Coupon Convert Joined: 19 Aug 2006 Posts: 677

What is funny about this is that when I brought that up a few years ago, he said "What so we can incur another expense?" LOL!!!

taboo25 · Coupon Convert Joined: 19 Aug 2006 Posts: 677

Basically if I were to get a pedicure for example (something I am lucky to get twice a year) he will just blow his lid, start yelling about how we need to save, how he is the only one concerned about our future, etc. I mean he has literally yelled at me for buying a magazine and interrogated me like "What did you buy that for?"

He argues that he has not bought or done anything nice for himself in 6 months, 9 months, whatever. My argument is basically that's your fault not mine! Right now, he is hanging the summer family vacation over my head as leverage. He also says that he feels my daughter's dance class is no longer necessary and that if she stays in, I will have to pay for that out of my $40/month. LOL!!! Uh, can you say impossible???

taboo25 · Coupon Convert Joined: 19 Aug 2006 Posts: 677

I am SO for this! This is what most of my married girlfriends do, but he feels we are married and should have one, brings in faith of course to really make me feel guilty. LOL!

taboo25 · Coupon Convert Joined: 19 Aug 2006 Posts: 677

You would not believe I actually considered doing this!!! May have to. Basically whenever I get extra money (mostly from online surveys, focus groups, etc) I end up using most of it on groceries, toilet paper (uh, hello???!!!), basic necessities. It's not that he won't buy them at all, but he always wants to "wait a few more weeks". I mean for the love of God, we have NEVER, EVER had to pay for diapers for either of our 2 children and have paid very little for wipes, formula, etc thanks to my thriftiness!

You're right though, this is a really serious matter and I am not taking it lightly. Everyone's responses have been fantastic. Thank you so much!!!

Meredia · Posted: Mon Jan 04, 2010 5:17 pm Post subject:

i wonder where grainsmommy is her family has it together im sure she would have good advice

LivsMum · Posted: Mon Jan 04, 2010 5:19 pm Post subject:

I'm sorry you are having a hard time with your husband.

Seeing as you make more than him (and even if you didn't) - things should be fairer in your household. Is he a control freak at all? What he's saying is totally unrealistic. It would be great if you could get an unbiased opinion (third party) that would back you up. Someone that may have to go 100% over your finances and make him see where some changes could be made.

Talking of Dave Ramsey - something immediately came to mind when you mentioned $. Making what you do combined, 10K is not nearly enough to have saved. It might sound like a lot but you need to have 6 months of living expensese saved as an emergency fund. Considering how things are with the economy right now - they're actually saying 8 months worth is more realistic. I'm wondering if he knows this and is working towards this goal and that's why he's being really stingy????

You have a good income coming in - there's no need for anyone to be starving in your house or only eating from a few food groups. That's not right and it's not healthy.

taboo25 · Coupon Convert Joined: 19 Aug 2006 Posts: 677

I think that is very true $10,000 is not enough, but I guess my point is that we are not on the brink to where we have to eat Ramen noodles. I work in healthcare myself and I see everyday what happens when you don't take care of yourself, you end up paying big time physically, emotionally AND financially!!!!

Well, I am going to talk to him some tonight and hopefully I can bring up some of the points you guys are making. He just gets so mad so fast whenever I even suggest doing things a little differently. It's a VERY emotional issue for him. I don't mind if he balances the checkbook, but I make close to $70,000/yr and feel I should at least be able to go to lunch with a co-worker and not have to call him to see whether or not I can use the debit card. It just feels like I am asking permission!!!

helen1973 · Posted: Mon Jan 04, 2010 5:42 pm Post subject:

Maybe since u make more $ he feels like it's his way of control. Was he like this when you dated? If it were me I'd do what I wanted bc if you're going to argue anyway might as well do it your way. Besides if you quit talking about changes and just do them he'll be forced to eventually come around. what's the point of worrying about the future if it makes for a miserable present? Good luck.

taboo25 · Coupon Convert Joined: 19 Aug 2006 Posts: 677

No! When we dated we had our own accounts of course and I spent however I saw fit. I had a little savings (this was in college keep in mind) but I did little things like manicures, making sure my hair looked nice and getting a new outfits every month (Forever 21 level). Now he has the nerve to say I don't look like I used to! (Ugh! He seems like a real a-hole I know. Can't imagine what I would think if I were one of you. He just doesn't get it!)

I think you are right though. I will attempt to talk tonight, but if he blows up again, I'm just gonna do what I want.

sananson · Posted: Mon Jan 04, 2010 5:52 pm Post subject:

My advice: you each get an allowance from your incomes. If it goes into an account (unless you prefer cash & carry), it must go into a separate account that you each have control over. That way, you get what you get for pedicures, lunches with coworkers etc. & no one gets any say in it--and that goes for his account too.

And the grocery budget needs to be adjusted. I'm on $20 a week but have no income & stockpiled like mad over the summer in anticipation of needing it now. Milk here in NJ costs on average $3/gal on sale. Eggs are almost $2/doz. It's not hard to use up a weekly budget on stuff like that, so $40 is inadequate, especially if you have the income to cover it. With couponing & working deals, my average before disaster mode was about $80-100 including staples.

Personally, I'm more concerned over the extremely emotional & volatile reaction you describe to any spending you do. *That* is a problem. You need to be more involved in the household's finances & if you can convince him to do it, perhaps taking turns doing it will be good for you. The control & the reaction are big red flags that something is wrong. It may not be with money at all, but he's freaking about a poor house when one isn't obvious to you--either it's really there & you don't know it, or he needs some help getting perspective (is there an OCD issue with him?). Something's out of whack & you're in the dark which is a potentially dangerous place for you to be.

ETA: money was a hot-button issue in my marriage. My STBX had a gambling problem, so money was like his drug of choice (greedy, secretive, a lot was never enough, that sort of thing). Emotional reactions & fights about spending were part of the package. I'm not saying that's what's going on, but something isn't right--it might be in his head, or not, but you don't know for certain which it is & that is a concern.

Janetlydia · Posted: Mon Jan 04, 2010 6:12 pm Post subject:

I'm sorry. But I'd tell him to kiss it. Honestly. He needs a huge wake up call. Children AND adults need better nutrition than that. We have 6 kids, DH gives me about $400 a month for groceries. With coupons, I can get more than enough.
$40 a week is insane. If it was just the two of you, ok, but he needs to pull his head out of a hole, get some counseling for being so controlling, and feed his children right. Maybe you should show him some pictures of malnutritioned children.
Whether you work or not, marriage is a partnership. Not a dictatorship. You obviously aren't struggling (our income is a lot less than that, and we are fine)
I'm sorry. I am not trying to be mean, and I don't know your husband. But my friend was just murdered by her fiance. He was very controlling, did not work, and would not let her spend money as she saw fit, even though she made it all.

rkw99 · Coupon Admirer Joined: 21 Sep 2006 Posts: 2226

You must be kidding. Your combined household income is over 100K and you only spend $75 every 6 weeks on groceries? for a family of 4? We have about the same income, live in one of the highest cost of living states (NJ), spend about $75 every week on groceries and that is after coupons/sales etc. I probably spend $75 a month just on fruits and veggies. We have no debt and save quite a bit every month for vacations, college, retirement etc.
And he wants you to spend less?
That is way beyond cheap and like pp said there are obviously other issues going on.

Alot of people have money conflicts in relationships. I have had them with my own DH. We have solved them by each getting an "allowance" to spend how we like. We each get $100 per week and I use it to buy my lunches out with my friends at work and get my nails done and he uses it to buy car parts for his racecar. And btw I am the sole breadwinner right now. he is a stay at home dad.

motherofmolly · Posted: Mon Jan 04, 2010 8:32 pm Post subject:

sorry but i would tell him to kiss butt...when he yells and questions you...tell him that you are an adult and he can talk to you like one..no yelling...he sounds like a control freak which makes me wonder about his level of mental abuse..
and then if he continued with his tirades and unfair determining of what you should and should not spend on food...marriage counseling or the road buddy

sorry, but he is waaaayyy out of line. and his form of "talking" is unfair to your kids (and you of course) and will affect your kids....

my question is: what are you feeding your kids on that amount of money? are they really getting what they need nutritionally? what about their clothes? toys? how is this all affecting their mental well being?

mom2shawn · Posted: Mon Jan 04, 2010 8:41 pm Post subject:

Girl, you do what you want to do. Spend your money if you make it. If he dont like it tell him to get his own bank account. Buy him a playboy and tell him thats the only sex he will be seeing for a LONG time, and then say O WAIT THAT COSTS TOO MUCH I NEED TO TAKE IT BACK! LOL!

taboo25 · Coupon Convert Joined: 19 Aug 2006 Posts: 677

I have had to be extremely cheap myself in order to make meals for us. He also has a lot of dietary restrictions (no cheese, chocolate or cream sauces). I usually end up making baked chicken, beef stir fry or hamburgers.

In terms of clothes and toys he hardly ever wants to buy them, but my mom gets us enough for us to get by.

RosevilleMommy · Posted: Mon Jan 04, 2010 9:37 pm Post subject:

motherofmolly · Posted: Mon Jan 04, 2010 9:48 pm Post subject:

helen1973 · Posted: Mon Jan 04, 2010 10:31 pm Post subject:

MrsBPS · Posted: Mon Jan 04, 2010 10:52 pm Post subject:

This is all making me so very sad. I think you need to head off to HR , have your pay check direct deposted into your own (and only your) account and then spend the $$ to feed your kids and to make a better life for the three of you.
I pray you can get a handle on all of this, this is just way too sad.

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